15 Mar The Self-Righteous in Marriage Blind Spot
Why We Fail to See Our Own Flaws
Why do we cling to this delusion of moral superiority? It’s simple: we’re experts at justifying our own actions. “I had a reason,” we tell ourselves. “They’re just being malicious.” We understand our own motives—at least we think we do. But our spouse? Their motives are a mystery, a blank canvas upon which we paint the ugliest possible scenarios.
This is how self-righteousness in marriage takes root. We inflate their imperfections, turning molehills into mountains. Their annoying habits become unforgivable sins. Their missteps, deliberate acts of war. And suddenly, they’re not just your spouse; they’re the enemy.
But what if the real enemy isn’t them—what if it’s our own inability to see the plank in our own eye?
In this article, we’ll uncover how self-righteousness in marriage blinds us to our own flaws, why we assume the worst about our spouse while justifying our own actions, and—most importantly—how to break free from this destructive cycle using biblical principles.
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We Forget That We’re Just As Guilty
When we are on the receiving end of our spouse’s inappropriate actions, we tend to forget one inconvenient truth—we are just as capable of the same behavior. But we don’t see it that way, do we? We minimize our own wrongdoings while magnifying theirs. This is the core of being self-righteous in marriage—believing we are right while our spouse is wrong.
Jesus addressed this hypocrisy head-on:
Matthew 7:4 (ESV) – “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?”
So why do we forget that we contribute to the very problems we complain about in our marriage? Simple: we judge our actions by our intentions but judge our spouse’s actions by their impact. This self-righteousness in marriage leads to unnecessary conflict and resentment.
The Dangerous Game of Justifying Our Own Actions
Let’s be real—most of us believe that what we do isn’t as bad as what our spouse does. We excuse our own bad behaviors by attaching noble intentions to them, but when our spouse does something similar, we assume the worst. This pattern is a clear sign of being self-righteous in marriage.
- We snap at our spouse? It’s because we had a hard day.
- They snap at us? It’s because they don’t respect us.
- We forget something important? It was an honest mistake.
- They forget? They don’t care about us.
See the pattern? This is exactly how resentment builds and love erodes.
If you continue connecting the wrong motives to your spouse’s behavior, you are setting your marriage up for failure. Instead of treating them like the enemy, recognize the real enemy: your unwillingness to see yourself as part of the problem. Self-righteousness in marriage blinds us to our own shortcomings.
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How to Overcome Self-Righteousness in Marriage and Fix What We Keep Forgetting
1. Stop Assuming the Worst About Your Spouse
Jesus makes it clear in Matthew 7:1-5 that we need to remove the plank from our own eye before pointing out the speck in someone else’s. This means:
- Give Your Spouse the Same Grace You Give Yourself – Imagine your own actions under the same scrutiny you apply to your spouse. Would they hold up?
- Listen Before Jumping to Conclusions – Instead of reacting to their words, hear their heart. When your spouse acts in a way you dislike, resist the urge to immediately judge. Instead, listen. Truly listen. Attempt to understand their perspective, their pain, and their struggles.
- Pray for Them Instead of Punishing Them – Assume they are struggling, not attacking.
- Cultivate Compassion – Choose compassion over condemnation. Remember, the same actions you put forth will be returned to you (Galatians 6:7-8).
When you do this, you will stop painting your spouse as the villain and start treating them as a partner. Overcoming self-righteousness in marriage starts with humility and grace.
2. Let the Word of God Transform You: The Inner Revolution
If you really want to change your marriage, you have to start by changing yourself. True change comes from within. Romans 12:2 calls us to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” In other words, transformation begins in the mind.
- Stop Feeding Your Marriage with Worldly Perspectives – Social media, TV shows, and toxic advice will only reinforce bitterness.
- Start Filling Your Mind with Biblical Truth – The Holy Spirit is the only source of power that can truly renew your heart and marriage (Galatians 5:16).
- Ditch the Worldly Resources – Stop seeking validation and guidance from the fleeting trends and toxic narratives of the world.
- Embrace Divine Transformation – Immerse yourself in the Word of God. Let it reshape your thoughts, your attitudes, and your actions.
- Seek the Power of the Holy Spirit – Rely on God’s strength to overcome your weaknesses and cultivate a heart of love and understanding (Galatians 5:16).
When we embrace biblical wisdom, we loosen the grip of self-righteousness in marriage and allow true love and understanding to flourish.
3. Stop Connecting Wrong Motives
In Matthew 7:1-5, Jesus makes us aware of what we are doing when we connect wrong motives to our spouse’s unlikeable behaviors, attitudes, and actions. First, let me say that Jesus is not telling us to ignore or avoid recognizing inappropriate behavior. Instead, He is addressing how we approach and confront it.
- Examine Your Own Motives First – Before assuming the worst about your spouse, ask yourself if you would want to be judged by the same standard.
- Separate Actions from Intentions – Just as you give yourself grace for your own missteps, extend that same grace to your spouse.
- Communicate with Love and Clarity – Instead of accusing, ask questions and seek to understand their perspective.
When we choose to confront with humility rather than judgment, we create an environment where growth and healing can happen.
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Final Thoughts: The Truth We Love to Ignore
Your spouse is NOT your enemy. But as long as you keep forgetting your own faults and only focusing on theirs, you will always feel like they are. Self-righteousness in marriage makes us blind to our own flaws while amplifying those of our spouse.
The key to a thriving marriage isn’t getting your spouse to change—it’s choosing to change yourself first. When you embrace that truth, your entire marriage dynamic will shift.
Need help breaking free from this cycle? One Marriage Replenishment Session could be the breakthrough you need.
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